flight of death

I’m feeling the injustice in the world at the moment. Starving children in Africa, despot dictators in Asian states, corrupt politicians in established ‘democracies’, inequality for minorities of all types and the general terribleness (I don’t care if it’s not a word) of some people in this world.

I’m worried about exams, failure and my mum’s cancer coming out of remission (that hasn’t happened, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think about it every day). I’m worried about germs, falling ill, things not feeling right and breathing near bins and people who look ill. Fantastic, it’s developing into full blown OCD. I’m worried about my friendship with a few of my friends. One of my best friends said something absolutely shocking to me a few weeks ago and despite my dismissing of it to their face I couldn’t believe they said that. It wasn’t aimed at me at all; not a personal attack but something that unintentionally smacked me in the bollocks and hit my face whilst I was leaning over and recovering. I was so surprised! The saddest thing is that they make themselves out not to be what what they said implies they are, and they honestly don’t understand that what they said was terrible.

And I just generally feel down in the dumps (*SKIPS TRACK BECAUSE THERE IS A LINE IN IT I NEVER WANT TO HEAR AGAIN IN MY LIFE – ‘Won’t you kiss me?’ – BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING I HATE SO MUCH*) and don’t have a pro-active response to it. Sometimes I feel a little better after blogging about it and I think that’s why most of my blogs are so depressing. I don’t tell many people when I feel like shit, and if I do then I do not tell them why, and so I have to release it somehow. The blog is my release.

Admittedly, I’m not at my worst. The worst I’ve ever felt can be read further down the page, dated 4th September. That was the lowest point I’ve ever reached in my life; I felt like I’d never feel happy again. I didn’t know what I hated more, being at school uncertain of my future or being at home where my mum was constantly tired after her two operations and spent most of the day in bed. Constant reminders of my school life in turmoil and the uncertainty of my mother recovering from cancer. A friend of mine whose mother died of cancer 6 years ago said to me when she found out: It always happens to the nicest people.

Oh, and title comes from the Christmas release from The Killers and Elton John.