flight of death

It’s 09/05/08 (at the time I begin writing this post, although it could be tomorrow when it is finished). This is probably a day that passed normally for many people – nothing of importance really occurred for many, like most days. However, for myself, it truly was the end of an era. I’ve been at my secondary school for five years now and I’ve loved so much of my time there. I’ve never really had any ‘enemies’ and I’m the sort of person who isn’t really disliked by those who don’t know me well. I’m polite to everyone, bar a couple of people, and I’m only rude to them occasionally – but this isn’t unwarranted rudeness. However, this post isn’t meant to be full of malice and spite, which I am more of capable than at times – yet I hide this from everyone rather well – I think perhaps my best friends might know, having spent years with me, that I can be horrifically malicious and spiteful if provoked into being so, and perhaps it even scares them a little. Admittedly I find it a little scary too – it’s not a side of myself that I show to the world often at all, but when I do, it’s destructive.

Going back on track – why an end of an era? I’m done with compulsory education; all I must do now is sit my GCSE examinations and then I will have completed the legal requirements of the UK education system. This is not to say that I will not be furthering my education, which I will be doing so through A-Levels that I will complete at my current school. It’s strange to think that I have been learning, since the age of four, for these upcoming examinations (although more focussed work towards them begins at age 11, obviously) and I still cannot comprehend the stark truth that the time has come; the moment must be seized if I am to achieve. I have seen many others during their GCSE examination period and always observed how much older they were than myself and how you must feel ready by the time they finally come round – well I now know that this isn’t true at all. I don’t feel ready – I probably am ready to take these exams, but to have finally reached the end of 12 years of learning, I feel lost. I have no direction – the path has stopped, but I’m still running. The hands that have guided me have been cruelly snatched away and I’m now here, truly on my own and having to rely on myself. It’s a foreign feeling.

Why else is it an end of an era? Two friends of mine are not returning to my school’s sixth form and I’m going to miss them both (admittedly one more than another, but that’s how it works). I really can’t believe that today was the last day where they’ll be a daily part of my life. I know better than another… it’s strange to think that I won’t be sitting next to him in lessons; joking, working and laughing. I won’t be asking him for help when I’m stuck at something particularly challenging in Chemistry, nor accidentally getting his phone confiscated in R.E. and Biology.

On a similar note, I’m leaving behind so many things as of today. I’m never, ever going to have a lesson with my best friend again – the courses we’ve chosen are completely different to each other, even though we both excel in all areas of the curriculum. Whilst he’s taking Maths, Biology, Chemistry and Geography, I’m taking English Literature (English Language is not offered at our school) Economics, Philosophy and Ethics and Government and Politics. I knew that today would be the last time we had lessons together, but I hadn’t thought of it for a few weeks and as I sat on the bus home today, I was hit with a rush of many emotions and realisations, all tied to my school.

I’ll never have lessons with some of my friends, including my best friend ever again. This makes me feel really quite sad – I’ve learned so much with these friends and it’ll be so strange to progress without them and be learning different things to them. I hope that we have free periods at the same time, otherwise my time with them will be very limited and I really don’t think I can handle that.

I’ll probably not see the friends who are leaving after results day, and if I do, it will be very infrequently. This really does sadden me as I hate to see people who I love as friends leave my life and I think I’ve made this obvious – I’ve spent the last three weeks attempting to persuade begging one of them to stay. Perhaps they will; their answers have been more promising in recent days than in previous inquisitions.

I’ll never be taught by my Maths teacher again. She’s brilliant – I think I speak for my entire class when I say that she’s more of a friend than a teacher and I’m so grateful to have been her student for the last four years. No-one at this school has taught me for so long and no-one would beat her to the position of favourite teacher by anyone in our class. I owe her so much and she’s always given me help when I’ve needed it. She never fails to make us laugh in lessons and this has been fundamental to relationship we’ve all built with her. I think what really showed the extent of the friendship we all share was when she cried after we gave her a few Aero bars (her favourite chocolate, as we’ve come to know over the years) and told us that we have ‘always been’ her ‘favourite class’ and that she’s ‘never taught a better group’.

I’ll never expand my knowledge in many subjects again. I won’t be learning new physical theories, researching reactions in Chemistry or delving into the alveoli of the lungs of Biology. I won’t be completing difficult algebraic equations in Maths or writing in foreign languages again. I was shocked when I realised that I really had enjoyed these subjects and that I really would miss the teachers of the subject and the subject itself.

I’ll never be taught in 10.4 or 11.4 again – my group for the last two years. Although I may have a slight dislike for a couple of the members of this group, I can honestly say that I believe no-one truly despises anyone in this group, despite our immensely varied interests and strengths. I love this group so much and we all get along so well together – it’s such a shame for us to split and go our own ways, but I suppose this is just how life works.

All of these feelings and realisations hit me whilst I listened to my iPod on the bus home from school and I was suddenly overwhelmed. I didn’t feel any particular emotion other than emptiness. I think emptiness is the best word to describe how I felt – I felt cold in the heat that was warming the bus, I felt alone and isolated, I felt unsure and lost and I felt sad. Memories from the past five years surged through my mind and all of a sudden a few tears escaped my eyes – yet I was easily able to conceal these, sitting on the back seat and having, if necessary, the excuse of having hay fever. I could write more on those emotions, but I’d only be repeating myself. So if you don’t think I felt empty, read that over ten times and add all of the emotions together ten times and then you’ll have an inkling as to how I felt. I sent a text to my best friend telling him what I’d suddenly been hit with ; he was feeling the same and whether he was joking or not, he said ‘I’m almost in tears’ which had me surprised.

It’s appropriate to conclude this with some quotations from OBATR:

From ‘End of an Era’:
‘Don’t you ever wonder what,
will happen when it ends?
How can we let go of the,
ones who we call friends?’

‘I’ll keep on smiling, from the times I had with them.’

‘Could there ever be again,

another one like this?’
‘Soon we will see it closed.
The final chapter exposed.
It’s an end of an era,
and I’m seeing clearer,
that nothing will ever be the same.’

From ‘Last Call’:

‘It’s been long time coming, but we’ve made it this far.
Others might not understand but that’s alright, cuz we know there’s more to it.
This ain’t like anything else we’ve ever experienced, and frankly, I find that amazing.
Now some could say that it’s a fad, that it’s a trend, that someday, it’ll all fade away.
But I don’t believe that. In such a short period we’ve made bonds that will last lifetimes.
And I’ll be damned if I allow myself to let go without a fight.’
‘So even though we’ve reached the end, it’s not over yet.
We’ll still have each other. All the friendships, and all the laughs.
And when it seems dark, we’ll all be there with out stretched hands.
Life’s a funny thing. It can present you with surprises around every corner.
No one knows what tomorrow will bring, but we can hope that it brings us all a little bit closer.’
‘This is the last call.
This is the final song.
This is the last goodbye.
So give all that you can.’
‘As a great man once said, “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”
We’re being given a fresh start. A new era is fast approaching.’

I can only hope the lyrics from ‘Last Call’ come true in this case.